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Nov 29, 2010
I was wrestling the other day with a wrong (or perhaps a series of wrongs), committed by a loved one. I wasn’t sure what to do with them in my own mind. When I read Psalm 62, verse 12 jumped out at me: “Also unto Thee, O LORD, belongeth mercy: for Thou renderest to every man according to his work.” Of course, this is going to sound like I am stating the obvious, but I realized that no one is big enough to handle the consequences of his wrongs. And I didn’t want that person to pay for the wrongs. I truly did (do) want mercy for that person.
But I also want the consequences to be taken care of, the wrongs to be fixed or made ok or made right somehow. Because it’s not only ourselves that must deal with the consequences–it’s those around us.
As I talked with God about it (or perhaps just TO Him at that point), He brought the Ultimate Payment to mind. Jesus’ death pays all debts. But the question I still have is this: if I stand here with the wrongs in my hand, can I truly accept the exchange of those wrongs for Christ’s blood and suffering? I mean, do I really want that? His death? His blood? I don’t want blood. I don’t want more suffering. That’s just one more wrong to be made right.
Maybe I have the wrong idea about the exchange. Maybe the exchange isn’t wrongs for blood; maybe the exchange is wrongs for grace and mercy. Mercy for the one(s) who wronged me; grace for me as I grapple with the consequences. And maybe living through the consequences is part of entering into the sufferings of Christ–following His lead as He entered into our consequences: “surely He hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows”; “but He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon Him, and with His stripes we are healed.” [fyi: those last two verses were quoted from memory, not carefully copied, so the punctuation, at least, is prob not quite right]
And I have been trying to follow His lead; I just seem to be doing a poor job, slipping and tripping a lot.
Don’t give it to me if it’s not mine to keep.
Don’t offer what isn’t my due.
Those terms and conditions that nobody reads?
Not “Nobody” reads them–I do!
If terms and conditions attach to your gift,
Show them to me, and I’ll sign,
So I won’t be surprised when it’s taken away–
I’ll remember it never was mine.
Don’t give it to me if it’s not mine to keep.
Don’t offer what you plan to use.
Or give me some signal to hold in reserve
Those things you don’t want me to choose.
I took what you said at face value and then
Discovered too late what you meant.
I sometimes forget that you’re still merely human–
No matter how kind the intent.
This post should, most likely, be some piece of poetry . . . preferably by me and not someone else . . . or so I’ve been told
However, since it’s late at night and I shouldn’t even be up right now, let alone on the computer,
And since I haven’t written any poetry lately,
And since I haven’t gone through old poems in a while to see if there are any new ones to post,
This will have to do,
For now =)
So I had forgotten to add a link to a blog that contains some student writings that are really quite fun: Around the Writer’s Block. Check out the pantoums. And if you want something to sink your teeth into, there are the essays =)
And then there is the blog of the friend who does cakes for a living–you should totally check out the pictures! She’s amazing! Cakes by Suzy is as fun as the name implies =)
Finally there’s the one I found most recently. Meditations for the Liminal is not for everyone, though there was definitely something there for me. It’s primarily for those who have found themselves hurt by those who looked very spiritual and turned out to be modern-day Pharisees (probably because they themselves truly knew nothing of God’s love). It’s for those who are “liminal” as the author explains: those who have found themselves “in between,” so to speak–not easily categorized as “Fundamentalist” but also not willing to deny the things that are fundamental to a relationship with Jesus Christ. I have been moved by the way the blog explores Who Jesus is–something that we all find ourselves coming back to again and again as we grow in our Christian lives. Growing closer to God and learning to be more like Christ inevitably leads us to ponder what Christ is really like. =)
So now I am going to conclude this post and head for bed . . . maybe.
I’ve been here before, I think
This is no dream, no deja vu
Stuck in a repeating pattern
Sadly, I am wide awake
This is no dream, no deja vu
Inevitably pulled apart
Sadly, I am wide awake
No one wins, either way I choose
Inevitably pulled apart
Thoughts go one way, I the other
No one wins, either way I choose
Who began this tug-of-war?
Thoughts go one way, I the other
Am I the only one who sees it?
Who began this tug-of-war?
I wonder how it is I am the rope
Am I the only one who sees it?
We are, all three, participants
I wonder how it is I am the rope
I cannot even hold myself together
We are, all three, participants
Perhaps I am a combatant, too?
I cannot even hold myself together
None of what we’re fighting for is clear
Perhaps I am a combatant, too
I don’t know how to fight this war
None of what we’re fighting for is clear
Has anything I’ve tried brought peace?
I don’t know how to fight this war
I think I broke the ceasefire agreement
Has anything I’ve tried brought peace?
I have no new tricks up my sleeve
I think I broke the ceasefire agreement
Somehow we are back to where we were
I have no new tricks up my sleeve
Variations on a Theme without an end
Somehow we are back to where we were
Stuck in a repeating pattern
Variations on a Theme without an end
I’ve been here before, I think
5-6-2010
I stand still staring
At you. They call you
My reflection. They say you
Show me myself. Is it true?
I wait here wondering:
Do you move as I do
Or do I move to match you?
Do you mirror me or are you my cue?
I linger now longing
To be free from this view.
It was fun when novelty was new,
But now I’ve lost who is who
Am I me or am I you?
“Criticism is a part of the ordinary faculty of man: but in the spiritual domain nothing is accomplished by criticism. The effect of criticism is a dividing up of the powers of the one criticized; the Holy Ghost is the only One in the true position to criticize, [sic] He alone is able to show what is wrong without hurting and wounding. It is impossible to enter into communion with God when you are in a critical temper; it makes you hard and vindictive and cruel, and leaves you with the flattering unction that you are a superior person. . . . Beware of anything that puts you in the superior person’s place.”
~Oswald Chambers. “The Uncritical Temper” June 17 My Utmost For His Highest
Chambers goes on to explain that we have no reason to feel superior because of the flaws we have in ourselves and because of the circumstances in the lives of others that we do not know about. I want that uncritical spirit he speaks of! Criticism sends back razor-edged fingers into my own heart saying “you’re just like that person!” and I begin to despair of myself.
I appreciate Chambers’ statement about criticism dividing up the powers of the one being criticized–that’s often how I feel when criticized, especially when I then begin to criticize myself to try to determine the amount of truth in the criticism and what to do about it. I begin to feel heavier and heavier in spirit as though I am carrying a weight that is unbearable yet inexorable. It is almost impossible for me to imagine Jesus Christ’s Holy Spirit being able to criticize me without wounding me; yet I have felt and heard His gentleness in my own life over and over again. And with His “Chriticism” comes the power and joy of knowing what to do in that moment to begin to change–no burden, no weight, just a certain peaceful energy. I’d like to help the Holy Spirit give that to others.

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